


May the rain wash away our pain

by sarcastissimo



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Battle, Character Death In Dream, Hurt Alec, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, Post-Book 5: City of Lost Souls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 16:53:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9334166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcastissimo/pseuds/sarcastissimo
Summary: Alec and Magnus both suffer after their break-up, neither aware of the other one's feelings.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this some time ago and buried it under a load of files on my laptop, but I recently rediscovered it and was like: "What the hell, where did all this angst come from?" I must've been pretty stressed out at the time, but hey, at least I gave you (and myself) a happy ending, so there's that. Since I opened this account, I figured it's quite useless for this fic to stay on my laptop and not make anyone else feel stuff, so here you go, I hope you don't hate it!

The sun started falling down, painting the sky bloody red. Ground was the matching colour, from the blood spilled during the day. The battle was fierce and cruel. Enemies were everywhere. Magnus was fighting for the last 2 hours and he was exhausted. He was starting to feel the heaviness of his arms, the piercing pain in his leg caused by a stab wound and several burns from demon poison. He lost concentration for a moment, and suddenly there was a new cut on his back. Magnus quickly spun around and stabbed the attacker in one quick move. 30 minutes ago, he'd have used magic, but right now, he barely had enough energy to stand on his feet. Saving a group of vampires caught in a trap had drained him. After that, there was no way he could use magic again without fainting. He had to keep moving. Slaying down one attacker, Magnus changed his position just to find himself surrounded by a group of demons. Before they wouldn't be a problem for him, but now... He suddenly got a flashback from his time in Idris, during the demon invasion. How Alec saved his life, and how he told Alec he loved him for the first time. _Alec._ Just one memory of him was enough to wake something up inside the warlock. He blinked, getting back to reality, now focused on surviving. Noticing that the demons were getting closer, he took a few steps back. There were four of them. He cut the two of them in parts and pushed one right into the open jaws of a werewolf. The last one standing tried to attack him, but Magnus bowed down and stabbed him. He straightened himself, letting the demon disappear. Right in time to see Alec standing not two meters away. Time seemed to slow down at that moment. Magnus looked at Alec, standing there with a seraph blade in his right hand. His shirt was cut in several places, and he had blood dripping from his sweaty forehead. Alec turned his head left and their eyes met. His mouth slightly opened, like he was going to say something. And then a demon sting pierced his abdomen. Magnus' face expression changed to the look of utter horror as he looked into Alec's blue eyes which were suddenly wide open. His gaze wandered from the bleeding wound in his torso back to Magnus. Magnus heard himself screaming Alec's name like he was listening from a distance when Alec started falling backwards. Magnus caught him just in time to put him gently to the ground. He took his head like it was from glass and carefully put it in his lap. -Oh, Alec...- He caressed his cheek. -Magnus.... What are you doing here?- Despite the situation, Magnus gave him a surprised look. -Where else would I be? I'm the Great Warlock of Brooklyn, and this is war. I'm fighting.- Alec lightly shook his head. That caused a wave of coughing and a red drop appeared on his bottom lip. -No, that's not... That's not what I meant. I wanted to say, why are you _here_? With me? I thought you hated me. You _should_ hate me. I already hate myself. What I wanted to do was terrible and--  -Alec, stop talking.- Magnus put his fingers over Alec's mouth, but the touch was so light, it was almost as if they weren't there. He looked at Alec, his cat eyes filled with emotion. Love, adoration, deep sadness. -I could never hate you. Never.- A small smile appeared on Alec's lips. -You couldn't?- Magnus let out a weak laugh. -Stupid Nephilim. Don't you remember what I told you the last time we saw each other?- Alec slowly nodded. - _Aku Cinta Kamu._ \- Magnus moved some of Alec's dark hair from his forehead. -And I still do, Alec. I still do. I always will.- Alec's smile widened. He coughed again, spitting some blood. -Listen, Magnus, I... I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. For everything. And I know I don't deserve it, but please take care of my family.- Magnus felt himself tearing up. He noticed his hands were shaking as he caressed Alec's cheeks and hair. -Sshh, Alec, don't talk like that. You're not gonna die, I'm gonna save you...- Alec let out a humorless laugh. -We both know that isn't true. I know you, Magnus. I know you're out of energy. There's no way you can save me, not this time.-   
-Well then I'll find some other warlock…- Alec interrupted him by putting a palm on his face. -There's no time, Magnus. But it's okay. It's gonna be okay.- Somehow, it all turned into Alec comforting _him_. Magnus desperately wanted to say something, to tell Alec that it's not gonna be okay, that he's not gonna be okay without him. That he'd give up his immortality, right now, just to spend one life with him. That he'd give up his whole life, just to save him. But his mouth didn't let out a sound. Alec wiped away one of Magnus' tears that now started rolling down his cheeks. -Kiss me, Magnus.- He carefully leaned down and pressed his lips against Alec's. It was such a familiar feeling, kissing Alec, but yet mind-blowing and special every time. He could taste blood, the saltiness of his tears, and that well-known taste of Alec. When Magnus moved away, he noticed Alec's eyes were closed. -Alec, open your eyes. Alec, look at me.- Magnus clasped Alec's face. -Alexander. Alec!- His eyelids lifted and for a moment blue stared in yellow. He put his palm over Magnus' hand. -I love you, Magnus.- Magnus' scream got lost in the chaos of the battle, all his shaking not being able to wake up the light with which just a moment before familiar blue eyes shone so bright.

 

* * *

  
  
-Alexander!- Magnus woke up in the sitting position with Alec's name on his parted lips. His sudden movement scared Chairman Meow who yowled, obviously unhappy about being woken up in such a rude manner, and jumped off the bed. Magnus was breathing heavily, his bare skin covered in sweat. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. He closed his eyes, but he was still seeing images from the nightmare he didn't want to remember. _It was just a dream._ He glanced at the clock on his nightstand. 3:30 a.m. He moved the crumpled sheets to the side and put his bare feet on the cold floor. He could make it warmer with just a snap of his fingers, but the cold helped him relax. His head fell in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. He felt sick. This wasn't the first time he had a nightmare. It happened several times in the past few weeks, and it was getting more frequent. Also, it was the same every time – seeing Alec, Alec dying in his arms. And him not being able to do anything about it. That made him feel so angry, so helpless. He felt a wave of anxiety creating in his chest. _It was just a dream, Magnus. Just a bad dream._ He repeated that to himself in these situations, and usually it helped. But not this time. His heart pace fastened. Magnus felt the sudden need to see Alec's face. He opened the nightstand's drawer and pulled out a framed picture of Alec. It used to stand next to the clock, but Magnus forced himself to put it away after the break-up. The pain was too strong. This was one of the rare photographs of him where he wasn't in his Shadowhunter gear. That made him look younger. He was wearing a grey short-sleeved shirt so the marks on his neck and arms were visible. That shirt was one of the rare things he had allowed Magnus to buy him. He was sitting on a bench in the park, smiling. That wasn't just an ordinary smile, Magnus thought, his eyes softening. That was that special smile that reached Alec's deep blue eyes and crinkled their corners. When he smiled like that, his whole face would light up. In his 300 years, Magnus had never seen such a beautiful sight. He felt like crying, but no tears came. Somehow, his phone appeared in his hand. He scrolled through contacts until he found what he was looking for. **Alexander**. He never deleted his number, but even if he had, he could type it in again in his sleep. His thumb traced the letters on the screen. Through the past three weeks, Magnus almost tried calling him countless times. He'd usually find his name in contacts and just stare at it, soaking in the letters and numbers, carving them into his mind. A few times he pressed the „call“ button, but hung up after the first ring. One evening he managed to stay on the line longer, only to hear Alec's voice on his voicemail. That evening, he cried for the first time in God knows how many years. Magnus thought about calling him now, but he optioned against it. He'd hang up after a few moments anyway, and it's almost 4 a.m. so Alec is probably asleep. Magnus looked over his shoulder and remembered Alec's peaceful and relaxed face sleeping on the pillow on the other side of the bed. When he was asleep, he looked so vulnerable. He missed him so much. Even thinking about it was painful, and yet Magnus didn't think about anything else, because Alec kept him alive. _What a paradox_ , Magnus thought. What kept him sane was the one thing that would in the end make him go mad. Magnus stood up and went to the window, looking at the city that never sleeps. Alec was somewhere out there, probably sleeping in his bed. Magnus placed his hand on the hard glass, the look on his face distant, almost like he was trying to touch something that was far away. He felt that stinging feeling in his eyes and quickly shut them. He placed his forehead against the cold surface and tried to clear his mind. No help.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec was lying awake in his bed. He did so for days, even weeks now. He was sure that if he looked in the mirror, he would see dark circles under his eyes. But he couldn't bring himself to even glance in the mirror's direction, because right now he hated himself more than anything. He was so incredibly stupid, selfish and dishonest and with that one mistake he destroyed his life. That one person he cared about the most probably hated him too. He still loved Magnus, though. More than anything. He loved him so much that it hurt. There was this excruciating pain deep in his chest that just wouldn't go away, and every minute of every hour it reminded Alec of what he had and lost. He had a feeling like he was going to be sick, but since he hadn't eaten anything for the whole day there was really nothing about that that should concern him. Still, he sat up and looked through the window. He noticed that the rain started softly falling, leaving wet trails on the glass. For a few minutes Alec sat there and watched the rain, crying silent tears. He didn't pay much attention to it or to the fact that the tears left matching wet trails on his cheek to the ones that the rain left on the window. This feeling, this emptiness was driving him mad. Alec wanted to punch and cry and scream 'till he fainted from exhaustion. He actually could scream if he wanted to because the whole Institute was empty, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Suddenly the air around him felt suffocating, and Alec got the strong urge to go outside. He needed to breathe in some fresh air, maybe just stand in the rain... That way his tears would become invisible, would become one with the warm spring rain. Alec went downstairs and opened the door... Almost stepping into Magnus.

Alec's breath hitched and for a split of second he was sure he was going to die or at least faint. He would be convinced that this was just another hallucination, but Magnus' firm grip on his upper arm that prevented him from falling over proved the opposite. Alec managed to raise his look from his own left arm to Magnus' face. The look on it... It was something between surprise, relief and... Could that be bewilderment? Magnus was soaking wet, standing there in just a short-sleeved black tee that held tightly onto his body. His hair was in spikes, probably created by pulling a hand through the wet hair. Alec moved on to his eyes and found out with sad surprise that they looked... Dead. There was no spark in them. But then, as their eyes met, it appeared as if something lit up inside them and the light slowly started coming back. His lips were parted, like he was running. They were also wet, one raindrop gliding towards the corner of his mouth. Alec quickly looked away, feeling ashamed. He shouldn't be looking. He doesn't deserve to look. And he definitely doesn't deserve his touch. Alec slightly moved his shoulder to let Magnus know he was now standing on both his feet, but Magnus made no move to let Alec go. Only now Magnus moved his look from Alec's piercing blue eyes and noticed Alec's tear-stained cheeks. His eyes softened, and he looked as if he was going to cry himself. His left palm twitched, like he was fighting against raising it and wiping away Alec's tears. Alec tried to pull himself together. Magnus probably needed his mother anyway. He should just tell him that she isn't here and then go outside and cry, just like planned. He licked his lips and spoke. -Um, no one else is here, they're on a trip. Clave business. So...-

Magnus answered him quietly, but firmly. -I didn't come here for them.- Alec's head quickly lifted, his eyes leaving the floor. There was surprise on his face, along with deep pain and fear. His lips started trembling, and all he wanted to say was _No, please, don't do this to me. Please, don't torture me. Don't tell me how I screwed up everything because I will fall apart and stay broken, and I won't care. I won't care because I can't survive looking at you and hearing you say those words all over again._ But he couldn't tell him that because he was a Shadowhunter, and Shadowhunters were brave, right? They killed demons and all kinds of creatures. And yet, Alec's worst idea of torture didn't include any of them. Still, he gulped and spoke again. -Then why are you here? Because look, if I forgot something at your place I'm really sorry, you could've sent me a fire message and I'd come pick it up when you weren't home or... You shouldn't have bothered to come all the way here, I mean it is 4 a.m. and it's raining...- He was rambling and he was very aware of that, but tears started streaming down his face again and he couldn't do anything to stop them, so rambling was the only thing he had left before falling into little pieces right here before Magnus' eyes. Magnus looked like someone kicked him in the stomach with a steel boot. His hand let go of Alec's upper arm and was now swinging purposelessly on his side. –I- no, you didn't leave anything at my place. I actually came because I left something here.- Alec tried standing upright now when Magnus let go of him, but it was like all the strength left him. -I.. um, sorry, I didn't want to... you probably want to go upstairs and get it, so I'll just.. I'll leave you, you know the way…- Alec took a few steps backwards and almost fell. He took a shaky breath and let out a sob. That was the last drop that moved Magnus. -Oh by the Angel.- In a few moments he was in front of Alec, holding his face with both his hands. He tilted his head so their eyes met, and for a second he just stared in the deep blue of Alec's eyes. Tears filled his own eyes while looking at this beautiful creature suffering. He didn't want Alec to feel any pain, ever. He wanted to wrap him up in his arms and hold him forever. Choking down tears, he spoke to Alec: -I came here _for you._ Do you understand me? You're the thing I left here. I can't do this anymore. _I need you._ \- He wiped Alec's tears with his thumbs. Alec just stared, trying to understand what he just heard. A whisper left his lips. -I don't... understand. You... _Want me_?- A smile appeared on Magnus' face. -You stupid Nephilim. How could I not want you? You're my life.- Alec looked at him wide eyed. Then he slowly lifted one hand and carefully touched Magnus' cheek. -You're really here.- Magnus leaned into the touch. -Of course I am. And I'm not leaving.-

Their lips finally met, wet from rain and tears. It was like an explosion, that kiss. In one moment the whole world was wiped away and all that was left were the two of them. Blue sparks danced on Magnus' fingers for a second and the door closed behind them.


End file.
